High School
Ninth grade was even worse than the previous two years. The name calling and physical attacks were more brutal than before. Every day I felt like I was in danger. I would hide in the library during lunch because I had nobody to sit with. I was embarrassed by the fact that I had not one single friend in a school of roughly 1000. I would wait after school until everyone left to catch the RTA bus home. I didn't want to be seen as a loser by others even though I already had that reputation. I came home with bruises all over and torn shirts. I lied to my parents and said I was playing football with my (non-existent) friends.
The bullies were clever about what they did to me. None of my teachers ever witnessed me being bullied because they did things when the teacher was either out of the room or they had their back turned to the class. My mom knew something was wrong so they had a conference about my grades going down the toilet. I was asked about problems with others and I flat out lied and said that my advanced level classes were too hard.
Back then bullying wasn't considered a big issue as it is today. To them it was a normal part of growing up. Since there was no proof of my being bullied there wasn't much they could do. And I wasn't going to snitch on anyone because it would make things worse. They changed my advanced classes to regular ones hoping they would be easier to understand.
The most brutal part about that year was that some kids dared me to kill myself. "Just do it! You're a loser nobody will miss you if you're dead". I actually believed what they said. Every day I thought about ending my life. No more suffering. No more humiliation. No more being an embarrassment. But for some reason, I never followed through. I had hope that one day it would get better. And to an extent, it did.
Before 9th grade started my best friend and I had a falling out. But for some reason later that year we became friends again. He smoked cigarettes and at the time I did not. I thought if I started smoking, I would be one the cool kids. Surprisingly, it actually worked. I had a new group of friends, but I was still being bullied. When the group found out about this, they actually defended me. I felt that this friend, and smoking, saved my life.
As things were getting better, my mom got married and they decided to move. I was heartbroken. I had to go to a new school and probably be bullied again. I was scared. I didn't want to go, but I had no choice.
To put it bluntly, my stepfather was a jerk. He would bully me as bad as the kids in school. I never liked him because he would physically punish me for minor infractions. It was bad enough getting beat up in school. Having to deal with that at home was even worse. He forbade me from using a book bag because he said I needed to "take things like a man". Every day my books ended up scattered all over the ground in front of everybody. How embarrassing!! He was jealous of the relationship my mom and I had. My mother tried to do everything to make me happy, even if it meant being my friend instead of a parent. I don't blame her for it. She tried. She was the "cool mom". My first drink was the wine she bought for me and my friends.
When we finally moved, I was frightened. I had just got my social life under control then all of a sudden I'm in a different place. I was a junior when we moved. Once again, I was the outcast. My first year I had no friends. I was bullied occasionally, but it wasn't as bad as my freshman year. Around that time I was learning to drive. My dad got a new van so (surprisingly) he gave me his old station wagon. It was a piece of junk, but it was a car. On the last day of school they let me drive it. A couple of kids who were in my health class were talking and I walked up to them and asked if they wanted to go for a ride after school. They agreed, and after school we went cruising around town. We exchanged numbers and friendships were born.
A few days later, we met up at the skating rink. I met a lot of kids that day. One of them had some marijuana. Because I was trying to fit in and be accepted, I smoked it with them. Later that night, a girl I met at the skating rink paged me. I called her and told her what I just did. She thought that was cool, and we ended up going out for a while. Finally, my life was happy again. I had a car, some friends and a new activity to share with my friends.
We formed a small clique. There were three of us, and he hung out all summer. Most of the time, we would smoke weed and hang out in the neighborhood. It was the best summer of my life. I wasn't popular, but I had a lot of friends. When summer ended, we still hung out after school every day.
Back then I was trying so hard to fit in I didn't realize what I was doing wasn't healthy. Instead of focusing on my future I was wrapped up in the present. Instead of getting ready for college, I was too busy trying to be one of the cool kids. I worried about what others thought about me because my self esteem was so low. didn't know how to cope with problems so I used marijuana and cigarettes to relieve stress. Being bullied had affected my way of life. And the worst was yet to come.
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